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| I shouldn't have had to make this call |
I think my current anger stems from the fact that I expected to be fully healed physically and emotionally by now. I expected to be back on the road with my cycling friends. I expected that my scars would be gone and I would have feeling back in my left side. I expected that this event would be behind me. I did not expect to be writing this post.
Physical Anger
I remember being in the ER that morning, unaware of how badly injured I was. In my heavily medicated state, I tried to figure out if I was still going to be able to do my long run the following day. I was two months into my CIM training and this was going to be my year to qualify for Boston. I thought that I perhaps I would slow my pace down a bit...it was only going to be a 13 mile run...maybe I would do a run walk if I was still sore. I had no clue how bad things were.
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| No mirrors in the ER, so I took a selfie to assess the damage |
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| After the doctors cleaned me up and the drugs kicked in |
I didn't get the chance to do my long run the next day. I was still in the ER, tucked away in a little side room with no TV, waiting for a bed to open in one of the regular hospital rooms. I wouldn't be going home yet. After I was finally released from the hospital a day later, it was very apparent that I wouldn't be running any time soon. The pain pills barely took the edge off.
Within days, the scrapes and road rash started to scab up. I applied all kinds of lotions and ointments to try and help my skin heal. I took vitamins and supplements...anything that would restore me to where I was before I was hit. I was still in denial about the real damage and thought I could make everything better with a few purchases from Amazon.
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| October 2, 2017 Too swollen to see the underlying hematoma |
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| October 7, 2017 Stitched and bruised |
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| October 20, 2017 Before and after I was finally able to have the hematoma drained. |
Today, my left side doesn't look too much different than after the surgeon drained it. Granted the swelling has gone down a bit more, but there is still a noticeable hard lump that doesn't have a lot of feeling. I went to my doctor in June hoping that she could refer me to someone that specialized in nerve damage. She reached out to a physical therapist to ask about ultrasound treatments. Unfortunately, the physical therapist said ultrasound treatment could cause more harm than good as it could cause a burn on the skin due to the decreased sensation.
Emotional Anger
I have spent the last year trying to prove that I am not a victim. I wanted my friends and family to see that I was the same as I was before. "Hey, look at me. I'm OK." Once I was cleared by my doctor to resume training, I did. I bought a cyclocross bike. I bought a mountain bike. I did not, however, buy a road bike. My long rides have been on the trainer on a triathlon bike that will probably never do a long distance race again. A couple of times, I was lucky enough to go ride on the American River bike trail, but those rides have been few and far between. Every time my coworkers invite me to join them on a ride, I have to explain to them I'm not ready. They don't understand my fear and I resent their lack of it.
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| Meeting at the Boss's house for a ride with my co-workers |
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| The last "Pancake" ride with my tri club |
I miss riding on the road. I miss seeing my triathlon friends. I am mad that over the past year I have watched the triathlon club wither away. No one seemed to want to go on groups rides anymore and I stopped trying to get people to join the club. I could not, in good conscience, encourage anyone to try triathlon training because I knew it would put them on a bike on the road. The road was just too scary.
The fear of riding on the road spread to driving the road. I was a bundle of nerves whenever I got in the car. Everyone seemed to be driving faster and crazier, and most of them seemed to be on the phone too. In my eyes, nobody cared about their own safety let alone the safety of others around them...and these same idiots were the ones I assumed were watching for me while I was on a bike!
For the first few weeks after the accident, HS drove with extra care just so I could relax. Nothing seemed to ease my mind. I wasn't worried about his driving, I was worried about other people's driving. The control freak in me was freaking out. A few months after the accident, I traded my beloved Porsche 911 for something bigger and safer. The 911 was too low to the ground (I sat lower in that car than I did on my bike) and I would often find myself near tears if other vehicles, especially trucks, got too close to me.
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| I miss my car as much as I miss my bike |
Additional Anger
Thursday, September 27, 2018 was a double whammy for me. I got subpoena for the hit and run trial next month and I got an email from the Boston Athletic Association letting me know that my qualifying time wasn't fast enough to get me into the Boston Marathon. I really didn't like having the investigator come to my house to serve me but I cried when I got the email. Then I got mad.
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| On top of the world ringing the BQ bell at CIM |
Since getting my BQ time last December, I felt like the ultimate winner. I felt like I had proven that I didn't let the accident keep me down. I went out and did something that I had not previously been able to do. The email letting me know that I missed the mark, changed my entire perception. I started wondering "What if?" What if I had not been hit? Would I have ran fast enough to qualify? What if I didn't have to take weeks off of my training? Would I have ran fast enough to qualify? If I would not have been hit, I wouldn't have those questions.
Insurance Anger
I have not been in a hurry to settle with the insurance companies. Due to my lingering issues, I wanted a little more time to see if I could find a doctor to help. My insurance company has been good to deal with and has not pressured me. However, the attorney for the owner of the truck (the owner's dad was the driver that morning) sent me a long, somewhat snarky email, trying to get me to settle with this client's insurance company. Here is an excerpt from his email...
"The fact is he is otherwise judgment proof. By delaying settlement you are actually only preventing yourself from recovering the remaining $7,500 and proceeding to get compensated under the Farmers UIM coverage. I assume this is tough to swallow. There is no way to sugar coat it. Mr. Vang complied with the law by obtaining liability insurance. The $15K/30K coverage is the minimum lawful limit in California."
Thank you for your concern Mr. Attorney. I assume this is tough to swallow, but I don't care what you think. Mr. Vang DID NOT comply with the law when he ran us down and left us on the side of the road. I could care less that he bought the ridiculously low insurance allowed by the State of California. The fact that people like my husband and I have to pay for extra insurance to protect us from people like your client is BS. The insurance he carried wasn't enough for one person being hit let alone three people. I cannot believe California has not raised these limits to something more reasonable. Every driver that has to carry (and pay for) "Under Insured Motorist" coverage should be mad.
Trying to Move Forward
I'm in a funk. I'm mad. I'm not looking forward to going to court next month. I'm not looking forward to dealing with my insurance. I'm trying to get myself together to get past all of this, but I feel like a failure, a fraud...everything is not OK. I tried to make everything look like it was going great. I was really hoping to write an anniversary post about how I overcame the physical and emotional damage and how I'm enjoying riding with friends again, but instead I had to write this sorry tale of self pity and anger.
Maybe things will be better after the trial is over and I have that part over for good. Maybe I will find my joy in working out again. Maybe someday I will overcome my fears and join my friends for a ride. Until then, prayers would be appreciated.
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